Category: Writers Block
Pollyanna, a young, successful woman is devistated when she finds out that she cannot bear children. Though she has a collection of three hundred baby dolls, she longs for a family of her own and children to love and nurture. One night, while she is trying to deal with some pipes that have burst in the basement of her home, one of them comes undone and knocks her over the head and kills her. While dying on her basement floor, she puts a curse on the dolls that will last forever. Please be advised that this story will contain some very gruesome content.
Doll Lover’s Curse
Written by Reina S. Brown
Prologue
Pollyanna Kiplinger was standing in front of the counter at her Gynecologist’s office. She was there to pick up the results from the tests that she has done to see if it were possible for her to conceive and bear children. Due to her periods being extremely painful to the point of causing her to become bedridden and severely ill, she had her suspicions that it would be impossible for her to make her dreams come true, which were to have a family and children all her own to love and nurture. Because she had not completed her medical degree, she did not want to assume such a thing, hence the reason for seeking the help of a medical professional to see what fate awaited her.
Miss Kiplinger absolutely adored children. She had the patience of a saint when dealing with them. She cared about them so much that she was an infant’s and children’s rights advocate. On top of that, she campaigned for attachment parenting, leaving folders of literature at doctor’s offices, daycares, schools, and in any other places she could think of that parents and children would frequent. Sometimes, she was so dedicated to giving advice and standing up for children that she was often chided for this. People would tell her to stop the madness, as she could not possibly know how hard it is, since she did not have children of her own. They’d always tell her that she had no clue, thus should not give advice to parents, even though it was for a good cause. Nonetheless, she continued her work without letup, for she believed that just because parenting was hard, it did not give parents a free pass to treat their infants and children in an undignifying manner when they had enough.
Pollyanna was a petite woman—four feet ten inches--with a reddish tan complexion, almost black hair, iced cold blue eyes, and she was blind. Blindness never stopped her, as she was determined to be a major success, and that she was. She was the CEO of her own company, which specialized in working with custom building computers, and she owned her own home. She was also attending Harvard Law and Medical Schools to complete the law and medical degrees that she always dreamed of having. It was not easy for her, as she was denied a job every time she tried on the account of her blindness, and she started out with nothing at all. But determined not to be a statistic, she trudged forward despite adversity, and she got to where she is now.
“Pollyanna Kiplinger.” An old woman called out from a door that was ajar. The door was partially opened; the nurse who appeared to be no younger than sixty was waiting for Pollyanna to follow her back.
“I’m ready,” Pollyanna said back. She made an eager dash to the door. She was feeling excited. She wanted to think for the best, not allowing any negative thoughts to creep up. “So, what are the results? Can you tell me? I have to know. I really…”
“Hold on, girl. Slow down. Slow down,” the nurse cut her off. “You really have to relax. The doctor will be back to talk to you about the tests.”
“Well, can’t you tell me?” Pollyanna asked. After all, the nurse would know, too.
“No,” the elderly nurse said flatly. “I can’t tell you such a thing. The doctor will have to talk to you. Wait here and she will be with you in a moment.”
Pollyanna did not like the way this was going. Usually, the nursing staff told her everything. Why was it different now? She began to get a sickening feeling in her stomach, a feeling like something was terribly wrong, but she pushed it out of her mind with all of her might. “I can’t think negatively,” she told herself. “I have to think positive. Come on. Think positive. Everything is going to be alright. You’ll see. You’ll be able to have children. You just wait and see. Jan is going to be so happy when you tell him the good news. You and he will be building your home together in no time.”
After what seemed like an eternity, Doctor Davis knocked on the door and then entered the room. “Hello, Pollyanna Kiplinger!” She walked forward, and Pollyanna jumped down from the table and walked toward her to shake her hand as always. “How do you do?”
“I’m great!” Pollyanna exclaimed.
“If only she knew what was coming next,” Doctor Davis thought to herself, “she won’t be doing too great at all. I don’t know how to break the news to her. I don’t know how to do it.” Doctor Davis walked over to the counter, flipped open Pollyanna’s chart, and began writing something. “Well, can you sit down a moment?”
“Sure,” Pollyanna said. Things were not looking good. Though Doctor Davis tried to sound even keeled, her voice could not hide that something was really wrong.
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” Doctor Davis began. She stopped a moment to take a long breath. “There is no way you can bear children.”
Pollyanna’s heard sank down into her stomach. Her dreams, her life, her entire world was shattered. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. It was over.
“You have Endometriosis, and the damage is too great for you to conceive and bear children. I’m so sorry. I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but I must tell you the truth.”
Pollyanna stormed from the room, ran up to the counter to pay her co pay for the doctor’s visit, and ran out of the office. She sat on the bus stop bench crying her eyes out. The bus to take her home could not come fast enough. She wanted to be in her house, away from everyone, away from everything. She wanted to drown in her tears of sorrow, for all her dreams were shattered. The way things were looking, her baby dolls were going to be her only children.
She had three hundred baby dolls so far in her collection, and the collection was still growing. She loved them very much and felt an attachment to them. Though she loved them and had a sentimental and heartwarming feeling towards them, her void for children would never, ever be filled.
Hi readers:
I just had some inquiries as to why the entire story is not posted here. Well, I'm doing a chapter here and there and will post them up as I write them. So stay tuned.
Okay.
First, why are we going to medical school and law school?
Second, I love how this blind woman is just running all over the place. You know, when I read that the woman had dashed to the door, I expected the story to say: She dashed to the door, tripping over some chairs and a few people on the way there. I just thought that might be funny.
Third, I really think this should have been edited before it was posted here.
Other than that, I don't really have any comments. I could say so much concerning advocacy for children and infants, but some things are better left unsaid.
The character in the story loosely paralel's my life. I'm pursuing degrees in MD and law, so thought it nice to kind of make the character match me a bit. i see what you mean about putting that she tripped over chairs. That would have been more realistic, i suppose. And i had to say I laughed at the thought of it. Stay tuned. i welcome your constructive criticism. That is what makes better writers.
Readers, feel free to give constructive criticism on future chapters that I post also.
Hmmm, disturbing and entertaining. Makes me think of something we'd see on the sci-fi channel. *lol*
I noticed that as well...! This blind person dashes, jumps, storms, and runs from room to room. Now, I know blind people can be quick, but... Is it usually so flawlessly and in public places?
Wonder what else awaits us...
Yayayayayayayayayayayayaayayayayyayayayayayaya, Polka dots and Moonbeams! You got to see the story. i should let you know that it is going to get very disturbing. It will also contain some very interesting twists, too. Stay tuned, and thanks for your constructive criticism. And when i did the dashing and running, I was thinking of the doctor's office that I go to on a regular basis when I wrote the story. The chairs and things are always in the same places, so I know that place like the back of my hand, hence I could run and dash if I need to. It probably would have helped if I put that detail somewhere in the story, wouldn't it? Thanks for the great point, as it has fine tuned the story for the next chapter.
True, if you know a place like the back of your hand, you may be more spritely.
Can you imagine though, blind person running! Sighted people better scatter! lol!
Hey, why do I keep thinking about Chucky?
Awesome work, doll. I must say I have chills all up and down my arms though. I'm waiting for the next chapter. as far as the dashing and running, I wouldn't worry about it. Squish dashes, runs, jumps over and even storms all the time in public. Good luck and happy writing. I know how writers' block can be as I'm suffering from my fair share of it.
i'm really enjoying this too, i wish all the story was in 1 place, in 1 part. :). i really love stuff like this
Hi there,
I have a great deal to say on this piece, and I hope you will find it helpful.
First I just want to say that I really like the idea you have for this story. I can't comment too much on it yet, as you've only posted the prologue, but I like the first bit. I agree that you might consider editing in the future before posting, at least a bit. As it is, I see nothing wrong with your character and the story, except for the way in which you're telling it. The biggest thing is that you "are" telling us the story, and not showing us. You have great ideas, but while reading the story I felt like I was reading an overview, or one of those sappy forwards. I know that's not what you're going for here, and I hope I will be able to show you what I mean. I hope you do not take offense, because I mean only the best, and really want you to get this story written. Please see below for some of my notes concerning your story. Definately keep writing it. Please be aware that these are not meant to make you feel bad, and again, when all is said and done, I did enjoy it.
-- "Pollyanna Kiplinger was standing in front of the counter at her Gynecologist’s office. " How about stood, instead of was standing? It keeps the reader in the moment.
-- That whole second paragraph gives us a lot of insight into her character. I wonder though if there was another way you could do this? Right now you're telling us everything. Is there a way you could show us, throughout the story, how much she loved children? We don't need to know all at once. Spreading that information out would maybe make it more exciting. As it is, the information is important to the story.
-- With the paragraph about her physical description, blindness and achievements, again they help flesh her out, but I get the sense that, as you are just listing personal information about her that you are trying to make her into a blind super woman. I get the feeling you're telling readers - yes, she's blind, but look, she's successful. There's nothing wrong with your character. This information is good, and does in fact flesh her out. But again you are telling us. You are loading us down with information before the story even gets started where you could just as easily get across that she is blind, and that she is the CEO of her own company. Putting this information into the story instead of just listing it will not only lengthen and flesh out this piece, but will also help the reader develop more of a relationship with your character.
-- "An old woman called out from a door that was ajar. The door was partially opened; " You don't need to tell us the door was half open after telling us the door was ajar.
-- During the "hold on, slow down relax" bit, maybe taky see how it looks if you take up one of the slow downs, and say "relax, instead of "you have to relax". See how it reads then. To me it sounds more natural that way.
-- "No," the elderly nurse said flatly" Be careful of your dialog tags. You don't always have to tell us who, or how they say something when only two characters are talking. Sometimes an action is good to give the character definition though.
-- "after what seemed like an eternity" You can definately use this, and it works, but it's also a cliche. Use your own disgression to decide how you feel about that.
-- "“If only she knew what was coming next,” Doctor Davis thought " So far you've stayed with Pollyanna for all of this, and now suddenly we are put into the mind of the doctor? Again there's nothing wrong with that, but it lessons the impact of the bad news because the reader knows it before Polly does.
-- Pollyanna's heard ... heard should be heart.
- That whole little paragraph about her heart and it being over? That's telling. If you gave her some action such as how did she react, how did she feel inside (which you did sort of do) it would put us right there in the room with her, rather than keeping us as an observer.
-- The paragraph where she leaves is a perfect oppertunity to showcase her blindness. She mannages to leave without any help or difficulty, which is fine to be sure, but it would give you a great oppertunity to show her character a bit. Perhaps the nurse could try to call her back, or comfort her. Perhaps someone could try to help her and she shrugs them off.
-- The paragraph about the 300 baby dolls could likewise come when she's at home and interacting with them. But the phrase "the baby dolls would be her only children" is good.
--
I hope you have found my notes helpful. I also think too that Polly ran out just a little too fast. I've never been in that position, and as a man I guess I never will, But I do know that usually devistating news takes a moment to sink in, and she might inquire about what her condition entales. I don't know how you would want to play that, but as it is I personally felt that she left just a little too fast, and got too devistated all at once. Her devistation is important, and necessary - she can't have children and that breaks her - but I want to feel it, not be told. Show us by her actions, words and feelings.
Hope you post more soon.
Guardian.
Hello everyone. I finally have the time to revisit this sstory. I've been so busy, and I'm sorry about that.
I took all of your criticisms into consideration, and I've made some revisions to the prologue. I'm going to repost it here, and I'd appreciate your opinions. Thanks thus far for your support, and thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to offer up criticisms on the revision and read it.
Doll Lover’s Curse
Written by Reina S. Brown
Prologue
Pollyanna Kiplinger stood in front of the counter at her Gynecologist’s office. She was there to pick up the results from the tests that she had done a week prior to see if it were possible for her to conceive and bear children. Due to her periods being extremely painful to the point of causing her to become bedridden and severely ill, she had her suspicions that it would be impossible for her to make her dreams come true, which were to have a family and children all her own to love and nurture. Because she had not completed her medical degree, she did not want to assume such a thing, hence the reason for seeking the help of a medical professional to see what fate awaited her.
Miss Kiplinger absolutely adored children. She had the patience of a saint when dealing with them. She cared about them so much that she was an infant’s and children’s rights advocate.
Pollyanna was a petite woman—four feet ten inches--with a reddish tan complexion, almost black hair, iced cold blue eyes, and she was blind. Blindness never stopped her, as she was determined to be a major success, and that she was. She was the owner of her own company, and she owned her own home. She was also attending Harvard Law and Medical Schools to complete the law and medical degrees that she always dreamed of having. Now, however, she was on summer break, and it was during this time that she wanted to focus on matters in her personal life, since they were not given too much attention during the rest of the year.
“Pollyanna Kiplinger.” An old woman called out from a door that was ajar. The nurse who appeared to be no younger than sixty was waiting for Pollyanna to follow her back.
“I’m ready,” Pollyanna replied. She made an eager dash to the door, tripping over a few people's feet along the way. "I'm sorry," she said repeatedly, as she was tripping. Nobody ever said anything back to her. She was feeling excited. She wanted to think for the best, not allowing any negative thoughts to creep up. “So, what are the results? Can you tell me? I have to know. I really…”
“Hold on, girl,” the nurse cut her off. “You really have to relax. The doctor will be back to talk to you about the tests.”
“Well, can’t you tell me?” Pollyanna asked. After all, the nurse would know, too.
“No,” the nurse said flatly. “I can’t tell you such a thing. The doctor will have to talk to you. Wait here and she will be with you in a moment.”
Pollyanna did not like the way this was going. Usually, the nursing staff told her everything. Why was it different now? She began to get a sickening feeling in her stomach, a feeling like something was terribly wrong, but she pushed it out of her mind with all of her might. “I can’t think negatively,” she told herself. “I have to think positive. Come on. Think positive. Everything is going to be alright. You’ll see. You’ll be able to have children. You just wait and see. Jan is going to be so happy when you tell him the good news. You and he will be building your home together in no time.”
After what felt like several centuries, Doctor Davis knocked on the door and then entered the room. “Hello, Pollyanna Kiplinger!” She walked forward, and Pollyanna jumped down from the table and walked toward her to shake her hand as always. “How do you do?”
“I’m great!” Pollyanna exclaimed.
Doctor Davis walked over to the counter, flipped open Pollyanna’s chart, and began writing something. “Well, can you sit down a moment?”
“Sure,” Pollyanna said. "Can you tell me the news? Can I have a family all my own? I have to know!"
There was a long pause. The silence was killing Pollyanna. "Good grief! Is she ever going to say anything?" Pollyanna asked herself.
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” Doctor Davis began. She stopped a moment and drew in a long breath. “There is no way you can bear children.”
Pollyanna’s heart sank down into her stomach. Her dreams, her life, her entire world was shattered. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. A few hot tears trickled from her eyes and slowly went down her cheeks. She felt as if she were going to be sick, as if she were going to vomit right in her lap.
"It's over! It's over!" she shouted. "I have nothing to live for!"
“You have Endometriosis, and the damage is too great for you to conceive and bear children. I’m so sorry. I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but I must tell you the truth.”
Pollyanna stormed from the room, knocking into walls all the way. She did not pay attention to what she was doing, nor did she care about using her cane properly. As a result of running into the walls, her nose was bleeding. Warm blood dripped down her face, into her mouth, and got on the front of her shirt. She didn't care about that, either.
"Miss, are you okay?" a woman called running up to her.
"You're nose is bleeding!" another woman called out.
"Oh, my goodness!" a man shouted. "There is blood everywhere! Let me help you!"
She shrugged all of them off. "All of you leave me alone! I don't need your stupid help! Go away already! Just go away!"
People were talking under their breaths.
"What is that blind woman's problem?" the first woman whispered that tried to help her initially.
"I don't know," a man quietly answered her. "It appears that she has gone mad, indeed."
By that point, she found her way up to the counter to pay her co pay for the doctor’s visit, not caring at all what anyone was saying about her. Then, she ran out of the office, knocking into more walls, practically falling over chairs and people, and stepping on a few more feet. She didn't bother to stop and say sorry to anyone. She didn't care about how they felt. All she wanted was to be out of there as fast as she could. She continued running. She ran into a few more walls, smashing her face into bricks in the process. Now, her nose was not only bleeding. Her face was skinned from smashing into the brick. More blood began to drip from her face, and it splashed onto her clothes. She looked like she had been in a fighting match and lost, but she could care less about that. She didn't care about anything at all. Life sucked.
She sat on the bus stop bench crying her eyes out. The bus to take her home could not come fast enough. She wanted to be in her house, away from everyone, away from everything. She wanted to drown in her tears of sorrow, for all her dreams were shattered. The way things were looking, her baby dolls were going to be her only children.
She had three hundred baby dolls so far in her collection, and the collection was still growing. She loved them very much and felt an attachment to them. Though she loved them and had a sentimental and heartwarming feeling towards them, her void for children would never, ever be filled.
dam! it sounds awesome! (is it just me, or does this have some similarities to dead silence?)but its awesome! yay!
I loved the movie Dead Silence. The only similarity that the movie and my story have is that both characters cannot produce children. My character loosely paralells my life, though, there are some differences. At one time, it was believed that I was barren, I was deeply saddened when I was told the news by my doctor--very much like the girl in the story--and I transcended those feelings into my character, so the reader could see what it felt like to feel such a thing. I also have tons of dolls, and I thought it would be neat to incorporate them into my story. The character and I both treat our dolls similar--like real humans.
The good news for me--I learned this after seeking a second and third opinion--is that I'm able to conceive children with help. Boy, did I feel happy after finding that out.
I hope to have chapter one up soon. Thanks for all of your comments and criticisms. You guys are great!
It's just as good as it was before.
I didn't expect you to throw the running-in-to-walls thing in there so much, it makes you think the woman's obliterating herself. When she's leaving, you only need to say it a couple times instead of saying it several times and throwing in that she smashes her face into bricks. My grapes!
Well done, anyhow.